This Next One's For You. &, Yes. It Is a Love Song

What’s Weird Wednesdays March 30, 2011

2011-03-30T15:48:00.000-07:00

Like we needed research to know that Jewel Fish were homos.

What do African Elephants, emus, Plateau Striped Whiptail Lizards, Bluegull Sunfish, dragonflies and humans all have in common? Besides sharing the same planet and other some such sentiments of interconnectivity, all of these species and so many more display evidence of homosexual and/or transgender behavior. There is a list of mammals, birds, fish, reptiles, insects and amphibians that is surprisingly long. And since it has been reported that most research on homosexuality among animals wasn’t really publicly observed until the 90s, the presence of gay animals is incredible. For anyone who may have ever felt isolated by being gay, google gay animals for twenty minutes and see how alone you feel after reading about instances of lifelong female couples of Laysan albatross.

Roy and Silo, two male Chinstrap Penguins, became internationally known when they coupled and later were given an egg that needed hatching and care, which they successfully did

You know how lesbians are sometimes stereotyped as clingy and co-dependent? It ain’t just human ladies, honey. The New York Times reported on the albatross, a bird which can live to be about 60 or 70 and mate with the same partner every year. These birds also displays high rates of homosexuality. “Like when you’re in a couple,” Marlene Zuk, a biologist who has visited the colony, explained. “All those sickening things that couples do that gross out everyone else but the two people in the couple? . . . Birds have the same thing.” I often saw pairs sitting belly to belly, arching their necks and nuzzling together their heads to form a kind of heart shape…

Lindsay C. Young, a biologist who studies the Kaena Point colony, says: “They were supposed to be icons of monogamy: one male and one female. But I wouldn’t assume that what you’re looking at is a male and a female.”

Isn’t that weird?! Listen to this. There is an all-female species of the Whiptail lizard who practice a form of reproduction where growth and development of embryos occurs without fertilization my males. However, simulating mating behavior increases fertility. And since this species is comprised totally of females, that means they’re all creating female friction with each other! The ones who have sexy time are all gay.

Dykes.

The next time you see someone freak out or grimace in disgust when they’re male dog starts trying to get frisky with another male dog, drop some Whiptail lizard knowledge on those squares (even though it is pretty weird when dogs start humping out of nowhere).

What’s Weird Wednesdays March 23, 2011

2011-03-23T17:12:00.000-07:00

“So who’s the guy?”

It’s a common scenario. Personally, it usually goes something like this. I’m getting to know a new coworker or a friend of a friend who frequents the same bars and hangouts as I do or some such person with whom I am placed in a parallel relationship on a fairly consistent basis. The possible topics for interaction seem so endless! Yet they are so hard to pin point, grab and throw on the table for discussion. So we go flip through the typical rolodex of safe acquaintance dialogue, choosing topics that say, “I care just enough about you to not be rude.” Where did you say you were from again? Oh, you like that thing? That’s cool. Definitely, yes, I also like music.

What did he just ask? No, now I want to know.

So, as it goes, you either bond with someone to some degree or you don’t. You become great friends who relish in the solace of inside jokes throughout the workday or you at least feel comfortable enough around each other to get drunk and giggle. The alternative, in my case, usually falls into a situation where an ignorant comment or generally unpleasant disposition cranks a lever forward and with a few rude creaks and an insensitive click, the friendship train is derailed until further (unlikely) notice.

Go ahead. You interrupt and ask which one is the guy.

Let’s back up a step or two to before anyone is even thinking about friendship or foe-ship. We’re still on the casual dialogue ship and the customer flow at work is slow, allowing for uninterrupted conversation to delve and little deeper. It comes up that you are not single and that you and your girlfriend have been happily together coming up on eight or so months now (but it feels like so much longer because of how you’re both past-life connected and what not). You’re fielding some pretty innocent questions about you and your girlfriend’s dynamic, which isn’t half bad. It can be kind of nice to recount the inner workings of interpersonal relationships to an unbiased third party. Then you find yourself standing at the foot of a fiery, ignorant mountain as your ears devour the next question. “So who’s the guy?” “Excuse me?” You reply. “Who’s the guy in the relationship? You or her? You know, who wears the pants?” First of all, you both have a really great collection of nice-fitting pants so that’s the source of your first stutter. SECOND, I believe our queen, Ellen Degeneres explained this years ago, the thing about a lesbian couple is that it involves two women. Yes, you usually pick the restaurant but she’s the one you don’t talk back to and live to tell the story. And yes, you’re the one who can change a flat but she hammers the nails and likes to get her hands dirty.

Bottom line: There’s no guy in a lesbian couple. That was weird to ask. You’re new friend is now weird and you’ll never share your snacks and beer ever again.

What’s Weird Wednesday March 9, 2011

2011-03-09T06:40:00.001-08:00

Having a girlfriend is weird.

Picture this. You spend your late adolescence pining over desire and what that means for you. You fill diary after journal with melodramatic rants questioning the very existence of life and love and oh, does it even matter? You write stanza after stanza of terrible poetry exploring the possibility of living a life completely void of romantic relationships because you have ZERO crushes on ZERO boys. Then, Boom! You watch But I’m a Cheerleader one (read: much more than one) time and you understand EVERYTHING! You’re not a hopeless romantic. You’re just gay! You can’t imagine having a boyfriend because you want a girlfriend! The clouds part, the stars align and the next chapter of your life begins. Yes, the next beautifully written chapter lined with overtly sexual lesbian under and overtones has opened. And so you walk out the door, birds chirp, forest animals appear at your feet to greet you as you embark on your most important quest to date, mainly because you have never embarked on a quest before, the quest to find a girlfriend.

[Disclaimer: Today’s WWW purposely excludes first girlfriends. That is a whole different Wednesday]

Fast forward to a few solid months into a relationship with a girl you just adore. You’re slightly past the honeymoon phase segueing into a new routine. This is different from your routine as a single woman in that you now have some level of responsibility to consider your girlfriend throughout your day to day. You also have a whole world of additional resources! You have another person’s house to hang out in, another bike to ride, another car to drive and best of all, someone else’s boobs. Maybe you’re left alone for the first time in your girlfriend’s apartment, armed with a copy of her house key and a DVD collection other than your own. Maybe you’re driving your girlfriend’s Jetta to work so she can use your car to pick up ply wood. That’s when it hits you. You have a girlfriend, a built-in roll dog, a partner in crime. You’re no longer single. Isn’t it weird?

What’s Weird Wednesday March 2, 2011

2011-03-02T06:49:00.000-08:00

The high energy lesbian. God, do we love you, but how could you want to bike ride a 25 mile trail at 7 in the morning after being up until 3am? Do we want to take a road trip across three states and be back in time for dinner? Yes, hypothetically, but No! No, we do not. It’s already noon and I’m comfortable watching internet TV marathons for a little longer until I maybe get the urge to walk the dog around the block.

What do shoo mean shoo don want to ride wiss me on zis motorcycle all over ze place all day?

The high energy lesbian is a fun loving, good time having, pretty damn charming kind of gal. What separates these ladies from the others? There is a part of the brain responsible for communicating to the rest of the body that it is time to sleep. Close to this section is a similar portion whose cranial wrinkles demand coffee in the absence of necessary sleep. You see, if you look at a cross section of this portion of the brain in a high energy lesbian, all you will see is a projection of many dancing women giving you a thumbs up.

We love the guts out of you, you go freaks, but I’m staying in tonight.

What’s Weird Wednesdays February 23, 2011

2011-02-23T05:28:00.001-08:00

Up this week: Gays hating Gays. To elaborate, this week’s weirdness is attributed to the homos among us who ugh at the two girls tickle fighting in the corner of a restaurant or bleh at the prospect of owning even a shred of rainbow paraphernalia. Yes, our theme goes out to you gay friends with either an aversion or disinterest in gayness in general, whether it be with the prospect of gay PDA or the implications of gay culture.

Some of you may be thinking, “I don’t understand. What’s not to like?” Half of my two part response is, “I know, right?” The other half must attempt to find rhyme and/or reason to this phenomenon, something to light our way in the midst of this pot-calling-the-kettle blackness.

Pff. I bet you also hate lesbian mermaids.

Let me explain what gays hating gays might hypothetically look like. You’re sitting in the movie theatre with a few friends who happen to all be of the lesbian persuasion. The previews begin. Katherine Heigl romcom, won’t see it (yes youwill). Tim Burton twisted yet thoughtful thriller, definitely. An epic masterpiece of a drama with a twist and enough comedy to keep you laughing but also thinking in which the main love line is drawn between Zooey Deschanel and Michelle Rodriguez (so unlikely, so in love). It’s the movie you swear you wrote in a dream. Just before you are able to squeeze your gushing thoughts of perfection into a single squeal, you’re lesbifreind smugly sighs out, “Oh god. Why do they have to make it gay? Ugh.”

It happens. It is yet to be explained. This theme is centered on the observations of a few dear friends of mine. And when it comes down to it, I don’t think they dislike the gays, they’re just prone to sarcastically making fun of most aspects of life, their own gayness included. And at the end of the day, as they sit on the sofa with their feet in their girlfriends’ laps, I think they realize that gayness is their girlfriend and not their enemy.

What’s Weird Wednesday February 16, 2011

2011-02-16T07:36:00.001-08:00

Today’s Weird Wednesday stems from the land of academia. It deals with those who are in or have been exposed to the intellectually knotty realms of academic culture for so long that they have de- and reconstructed language so many times that it barely resembles English. Or maybe it just has to do with straight people using the word “partner” in reference to their significant other.

Kelly McGillis and her partner Tom Cruise in Top Gun

A short while ago, I found myself sitting in a Women’s Studies class listening for any shred of a hint of a whisper of traces of gayness from my professor, with whom I was totally enamored. She was the only person to date who sent my gaydar signals spinning out of control like a compass entering the Bermuda Triangle. Then something happened. She began to make comments about her partner. “I knew it!” I thought, although I still wasn’t positive. Eventually she brought in her incredibly intelligent and charming partner, a male professor. While a semester’s worth of daydream bubbles popped and vanished into thin air all in one moment, and although her partner was a very nice man, I knew the truth. I knew that the ambiguities of “partnership” drove me insane.

To be fair, I can appreciate the non conformist, non label forcing title of using “partner,” it just really throws me off when straight people use it. Besides that, straight, gay or other, the word “partner” at all gives me a cold, formal kind of feeling. The word “partner”, in reference to your sweetheart, is the bologna of relationship terms.

That’s just me. I’m just saying. Do you feel differently? Comment about it!