All I can say of my endeavors of the heart up until this point is that they have been of completely unjust origin. This is not to brand myself with the marks of a villain, but to plead honest ignorance. I had always considered myself in the rankings of the utmost profound romantics when, in fact, I was but reveling the warm but shallow waters of ignorant bliss. Let me make an explicit distinction between the desired and myself - that is, the explicit distinction between the silently admired, loaded with potential and the inevitable hopelessness attributed to the admirer in doing so. How tragic. This ignorance is not only a simple lack of knowledge but also a blindness to the injustice that was being done to me and that I was also potentially doing to the other. It is unjust to blindly fill another with one's own ideal desires.
I declare an adamant disagreement with the notion of love at first sight. (Think twice, however, in labeling me a cynic. I remain steadfast in my claim to romanticism.) To place one's self in the column of believers of love at first sight is to place one's self (not the desired) on a pedestal that is destined to either be reached or, in not being reached, leaves one's self in her original state of solitude at the false expense and fault of the desired.
What this sort of admonition of love creates, in actuality, is a coat of armor for the desired. It declares one's self a brilliant artist, destined to be able to revel only in one's own beautifully tortured soul. It is seeking symmetry. In claiming love and the perfection of an unknown other and viewing a vision of perfection, I was declaring myself, in turn, as the ideal. It is seeing a mirror image, projecting back contours of pure attraction.
How narcissistic to live in such a golden age of love, during which we are happy almost by ourselves. This love was from the beginning the cancellation of the other.
It turns out I had only been inhaling this whole time. How deliciously terrible this infant flow of oxygen tastes.
-Mosephine has deconstructed. not destroyed.
1 comment:
love at first sight. that's a tricky one. i thought i was good at it, in fact i still kind of think i am, but i've fucked up royally one time(many years ago) and gotten love confused for something else on some other times. maybe it's not "love" (per se) at first sight, but some other intuitive, instinctual drive at first sight that could be just as meaningful and only as powerful if interpreted correctly and not purely as "love".
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